It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
