Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
