On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
