It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
