when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
