Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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