I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
