He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
