Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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