so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my shit smells like andre
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
