Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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