It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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