Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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