um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
