Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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