Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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