Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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