Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
