seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it glows. i had to have it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
