Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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