So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
