Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
