It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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