I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
