well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
