thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
