Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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