Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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