did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have tasted many bathrooms
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
