fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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