Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
