Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i think im in europe. pls send help
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
