remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
