she woke up with a sticky ear
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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