My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
A bitchslap is in order.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
