is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
