I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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