nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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