According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
