Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
