Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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