so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
