have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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