I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My penis needs a shock collar
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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