Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
