Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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