me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
