Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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