I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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