you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
third nipple confirmed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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