Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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