my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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