I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
