WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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