Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
