Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
