am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she pinky promised me she was 18
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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