How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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